Its not all fun

there are days that are harder to live through than others. Today is one of them. I have decided to not go to "optional" yoga. I am going to take a personal day and try to recover my mental and emotional stability.

This whole experiance has been extremely wearing. I do not know if i would have chose it if i knew how emotionally difficult it was going to be. At the same time, the only way to gain patience is to have it tried. I think having emotional/mental strength is the same way.

I sat on the erg for 36 minutes not holding splits and nearly started sobbing during the piece(this was after a 36 minute frustrating row on the water). Having to tell myself pull it together, Jesus has not left you, you will be done soon. Then after it is over you can not allow the experaince to come back and torment you. I face the fear of having to do that again and failing again. I have to tell myself "No. you are not allowed to go there."

In the words of Lily Allen:
I don`t know what`s right and what`s real anymore
I don`t know how I`m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
`Cuz I`m being taken over by The Fear

Fear is a powerful emotion. False Evidence Appearing Real. that is an acronym btdub. In essense its a lie. Maybe even a true fact. Its something that i have been fighting for nearly 6 weeks. i am tired. But i will not give up. You can crush me, but you cant destroy me. this is sparta.